Saturday, October 08, 2005

HUGE breakthrough at swing class. HUGE.

I have been getting back into swing dancing, a little faster than the doctors would like, after the incident last July where I hyperextended both my knees while executing a New Paltz Punch (freestanding backflip with full-splits landing and razzle-dazzle hands). I know when my body's ready, and no insurance company recommendation is going to come between me and my skill.

During tonight's swing class I had a zip-top bag of orange juice in the pocket of my lined, loose dance pants, and as we warmed up I began to notice the strangest sensation. I would take a step, and the juice would follow along a beat later, creating a sort of wave-like timing or metronome with my movements. If I moved in a precise pattern, the juice bag would be right there with me, complementing my every motion. THEN it struck me!

The reason that women tend to be better dancers than men is obvious: BREASTS. Simple, easy-to-have breasts. They provide a natural swaying counterpoint which helps a woman establish impeccable time. The next time you see a woman dancing, don't think that she's any good at it. Know that she's just using her breasts. Women with smaller breasts will tend to dance better to faster music (quicker breast reaction/"snap" time), and women with larger/longer breasts will tend to hit the dance floor during ballads or dirges. It's all so simple. In a way, it's shameless that women have never admitted this in any of their media outlets. Sorry, women, it's over. Pat blew the whistle, loud and clear. You suck.