Friday, July 23, 2004

I am going to use ALL my money to fight this!

So, if you read my blog yesterday, you will know that today I planned on putting the mailman under citizen's arrest for putting junk mail in my mailbox. I made good on my part of the deal, you can bet on that. As soon as that son of a bitch stuck his fistful of grocery circulars and misleadingly-labeled credit card offers into my mailbox, I walked swiftly up to him and grabbed him by the collar.

"You're under citizen's arrest," I said, "For the felony of class-A littering and dissemination of hazardous materials." (based on my research I had learned that some of the bleaches used in the preparation of low-cost paper remain toxic well after processing).

At that point he, being larger than me (of Pacific Islander descent, I surmised), threw me across the yard and into the side of a car. As I lay on the driveway, struggling for breath, he lurched over to me and pulled out a bunch of my hair. Then, adding insult to injury, he stuffed all the hair into my mouth and made me chew it up. He then kicked me switftly in the temple and I lost consciousness for a good while. I was only brought to when the evening sprinklers went off and began splashing my face.

I have spent a goodly part of the evening looking for a pro bono attorney to handle the case, which should be pretty much a slam dunk. If the USPS closes up shop next week, you'll know who to thank.