Thursday, January 26, 2006

Shopping cart incident.

I'll make no secret of it: I do not return shopping carts to the cart-yard when I am done shopping. I've always said that leaving the carts out on the lot equals job security for the poor lowest-rung dolts who work for the store. However, I have no problem with letting someone who is just about to *enter* the store take my cart once I have unloaded my groceries. I'm done with it — what do I care? This coincidence is so rare that it can hardly cost any lot-dolt his job.

Today, however, made me reconsider my likelihood of handing off a recently-unladen cart. There I was, closing the trunk of my car, when an older gentleman with a white beard asked if I was done with it. I communicated a very unmisinterpretable "She's all yours," and he nodded and took the thing away. I got into the car and thought very little of the transaction.

While I was readying the controls for driving, I noticed the man walk up to the entrance of the store. He pushed the cart into the cart-yard, walked into the store, and picked up a hand-basket.

I shoved my keys back into my pocket and strode directly into the store. How DARE he. I found him around the gourmet packaged snacks area and made no disguise of my anger. "How DARE you insinuate that I am too lazy to return the cart to its proper area!" I said. "How DARE you carry out such an insult right before me!"

He played the chicken and tried to back away from me, upsetting a small display of breadsticks and cheese. I saw my chance and pounced.

Thinking quickly, I pulled a cold salami out of a refrigerated deli display and shoved it down the front of his pants. "I hope it's expensive, because you can't return salami you put in your PANTS!" I yelled. With that, I quickly strode out the door and sped off for home. I hate getting tangled up with idiots and the way they solve unusual problems. So much standing around.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

New Year's Resolutions: 2006

Before I get to the fun stuff, I will just conclude the CheatLoaf saga by saying that Ray got wind of the whole thing and persuaded his friend at the police station to "lose" the charges against me. Huh. Maybe he can be of some use after all. I guess that's his good deed for the year. Lord knows he'll just fritter the rest of it away sittin' on some fancy pool chair drinkin' eight dollar liquor.

Speaking of new years, here are my resolutions for the twelve months ahead! See if you can keep up — maybe print this out as a goal sheet. I may make a contest out of this, if I can figure out the web-based input fields and SQL back-end that would allow you to post your own results and compare them to mine.


1. Hold breath for greater than one minute (fully submerged)

2. Get typing WPM up over 100. Really need to focus on this one, been slipping a little.

3. Stop watching South Park while waiting for The O'Reilly Factor. They do this stupid little overlap timing thing between various stations and I had found myself watching entire minutes of that deplorable cartoon show. God, is it crass. I've been watching more and more, just wondering what awful thing they'll say next.

OH CRAP oh dammit NetZero's dialup connections are flaking out during this storm we're having

CRAP oh CRAP will have to finish this later

atdt 866-8176
% hello?
%oh CRAP
% hello?
% damn this hissing modem
% atm0