Reflections on the Holiday Season.

1. Don't you just hate when you wind up in a store with people who are in a socioeconomic class that is pretty obviously about two levels lower than your own? Heh! I swear, If I get stuck in another Toys'R'Us behind a non-English speaking family of eight, or skinny goateed white trash boys with FOX motorcycle sweatshirts and insubstantial brain pans, or women with feathered hair from the 70s who are wearing garish 49ers jerseys and white high-top tennis shoes, I just might decide against shopping at all. Unfortunately, I really needed to get myself the latest Trivial Pursuit, and they had it at $3 off so I was pretty much forced to buy it there.

2. I finally managed to come up with a nonfat eggnog recipe that really nails the classic eggnog flavor, and you're never going to believe what the secret ingredient is. That's right: roasted garlic. Roasted garlic is a great thickening agent, and its mellow flavor is easily sweetened by nonfat half-and-half, nonfat sour cream, low-sodium chicken stock and Splenda-brand sweetener. I grate in a modest amount of nutmeg, which does have some natural oils and fat, but I figure that we all can afford to loosen up a little bit during the holidays. Try my recipe, it's 1 part of each ingredient, plus nutmeg to taste. This is really going to knock 'em dead tomorrow night.

Well, that's about it. I've got to get to packing - I'm giving everyone I know bags of my excellent new trail mix for Christmas. In addition to peanuts, dried banana chips, raisins, and flax balls, I've gone the extra mile and stirred in about twenty dollars' worth of Vitamin E gel caps.

Happy holidays from Pat.

Women are Stupid.

Not only are women stupid, but they are crass. I'm sure you have noticed the trend lately of women wearing low-rise pants. Well, this has got to stop. There is a reason that the original pants went up to where they did: SO YOUR CRACK DOESN'T SHOW WHEN YOU SIT DOWN. I was about to enjoy a delicious (and expensive) avocado salad at Greg's Uptown Diner this afternoon, but when I looked out the window there was a row of women sitting on a planter box having their lunch, and one of them had a good inch of crack showing. Disgusted, I pushed my salad away and walked out of the restaurant. The manager tried to flag me down about the bill, but I told him in no uncertain terms what I had just seen out of his window, and was considering reporting the incident to the papers. That put him in his place just fine. If I could have borne to get within ten feet of that crack-displaying, shameless female, I would certainly have asked for a full refund for my lunch, but the idea of seeing even more of her was simply too appalling. Plus, I had not paid for the lunch.

Last Warning.

Okay, this is my final warning to ALL of you: do NOT e-mail me to tell me to update my blog. I have compiled a list of all your IP addresses and you will be blocked from reading my blog a little later tonight.

Let's see, what is new with me...Cornelius tried to play "the bigger man" by forgiving me for the shooting accident, and did not press charges. I still say it's all his own damn fault for not tellin' me what was in that glass that made me cough so hard. Besides, it'll give him more to write about. He's a writer, he needs ideas. I probably did him a favor. Hell, he'll probably write a million-seller after the experience I gave him. Maybe we should talk about me gettin' a cut. I'll do some work later tonight lookin' up intellectual property law...but first I need to check on my lentils (I'm perfecting my green lentil and quinoa salad). If you haven't had quinoa, then you don't know a damn thing about Incan food.